


Tasteless Shenanigans

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, The Quidditch Pitch: More Than Two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-02
Updated: 2005-10-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 10:38:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10807416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Ron and Seamus decide to get revenge on Zacharias for costing Gryffindor the House Cup.





	Tasteless Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

AN: written in honor of weasleywitch's birthday.

 

Tasteless Shenanigans

 

"I'm going to kick his arse!" Ron Weasley announced triumphantly to the crowd of downtrodden Gryffindors gathered around the common room.

"No you're not," said Hermione, not even looking up from the giant N.E.W.T.-level Transfiguration book in her lap. "You heard what McGonagall said at the beginning of term - anyone caught fighting will be immediately expelled."

"That didn't stop him from purposely knocking Harry off of his broom!" Ron argued heatedly. "We lost the House Cup because of him!"

"To be fair, Gryffindor _did_ get a penalty shot," pointed out Hermione.

"A penalty shot," scoffed Ron. "Sure, that's a fair trade for playing the rest of the game without our _Seeker_."

"Ron, let it go," Ginny spoke up from her position on the couch, where she had been sitting nervously, wringing her hands in anticipation of Harry's fate in the hospital wing.

"No, I will not let it go," said Ron fiercely. "I have a right mind to barge into the Hufflepuff common room and pound his face into the floor."

"He's not in the common room," said Seamus, turning his head from where he had been sulking in front of the fireplace to look at Ron. "He always takes long showers after games. He would still be in the changing room."

Ron caught Seamus' eye and instantly saw a glint of excitement from the Irishman.

"I do believe I fancy a trip to the changing room," said Ron in a lighter tone. "Care to join me, Finnigan?"

"Why the fuck not?" said Seamus, shrugging. "I've nothing better to do."

"No!" screamed Hermione and Ginny at the same time.

Seamus held up his hand, silencing the two girls.

"Don't worry," he said, plastering a giant fake smile on his face. "I won't let Ron get expelled. I'm nothing if not responsible."

"Somehow I doubt that," muttered Hermione under her breath as the two boys left through the portrait hole.

~*~*~*~

"You think the rumors are true?" Seamus asked Ron as they hurried across the castle grounds to the Quidditch pitch.

"What rumors?" 

"The rumors that Smith is, well -" he lowered his voice to almost a whisper, turning his head to either side to make sure he wouldn't be overheard "- _gay_."

Ron stopped in his tracks and gave Seamus a bewildered look.

"Really?"

Seamus shrugged. "That's what I heard, mate."

"Interesting."

Ron started walking again, but at a much slower pace.

"Rumor has it he fancies Harry," Seamus continued.

Ron stifled a laugh. "Funny way of showing it - knocking him off of his broom."

"Makes you not want to beat the piss out of him anymore, doesn't it?" said Seamus.

"Yeah, I think you're right," said Ron, sighing.

"So why are we still walking?"

"I've no idea."

The two stopped in front of the door to the changing room, staring at it as though it would give them the answer.

Seamus turned his attention to Ron, giving him a long, hard look as though he was trying to read his mind.

"Whatever happens in there doesn't leave this room," he said finally, pointing towards the door.

"Right," said Ron, nodding.

Seamus breathed a sigh of relief.

"Right, then," he agreed before slamming the door open.

~*~*~*~

They were greeted by the sight of Zacharias Smith's naked backside. Still dripping from his shower, the blonde was leaning over with one leg perched on the bench, toweling himself off. He turned his head at the sound of somebody entering the changing room, frowning when he realized who it was.

"You're not supposed to be in here," he said briskly, making no effort to cover himself up.

"You stole our House Cup!" ejaculated Ron, his previous anger returning full force.

"I did no such thing," Smith countered in a calm voice. "It's not my fault you don't have a reserve Seeker."

"Your tasteless shenanigans landed our captain in the hospital wing!" Seamus chimed in.

"Tasteless shenanigans?" repeated Smith, straightening up and smiling. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Well, it's true," said Ron in defense. "Chasers aren't supposed to interact with the Seekers. You had no right to be anywhere near Harry."

"So what, then?" challenged Smith. "Do you want to fight me? Are you so immature that you came all the way down here to beat my arse for winning my house the Cup fair and square?"

"Nope," said Seamus. "We're here to congratulate you."

"What?" said Ron and Smith together.

"Ron, follow my lead," Seamus said as he strode across the room and shoved Smith up against the lockers so hard that his body bounced back against Seamus.

"I'll show you tasteless shenanigans," Seamus whispered before capturing Smith's mouth with his own.

Ron's jaw dropped as Smith didn't show any sign of a struggle; in fact, he looked as though he was enjoying himself. He cupped the back of Seamus' head with one hand and his arse with the other, pulling him closer against the very visible erection that was settled between them.

Seamus abruptly broke the kiss, darting his tongue out to flick against Smith's bottom lip, and looked at Ron pointedly.

"You in?"

"Um," said Ron slowly. "I-I've never done this kind of thing before. With a bloke, that is."

Zacharias chuckled and Seamus silenced him with a firm slap on his bare arse which echoed throughout the changing room.

"Just watch for awhile, then," said Seamus. "Join in whenever you like. I'm sure our little boy toy will be eager to please you."

Smith started to protest, but Seamus crashed their mouths together again. He latched his arms around Smith's waist and pressed their bodies flush against each other, grinding their lower halves together.

Ron could feel himself getting hard, and the nagging thoughts that it was because of two _blokes_ flew out of his head as Seamus swiftly unbuttoned his trousers and pulled out his cock. How Ron had gone seven years sharing a dorm with this man and never realizing how well-endowed he was, he had no idea.

Seamus caught him looking out of the corner of his eye and smiled.

"You can have some of me too, if you want," he said with a wink.

Ron gasped, trying to form coherent words, but Seamus' attention was diverted as Smith snaked his hand between their bodies to grab both of their cocks. Seamus immediately thrust his tongue into Smith's mouth again, bucking against him wildly as Smith pumped his fist around their cocks.

As though his feet were on autopilot, Ron started walking towards the snogging pair. Without even a glance in Ron's direction, Seamus grabbed him by the robes and twisted his head to kiss him full on the mouth.

Ron was startled, but he didn't pull away as Seamus' tongue claimed entrance into his mouth and began to tangle with his own. The grip on his robes relaxed, and instantly Seamus' hand had shot down to massage Ron's erection through his trousers.

Groaning into Seamus' mouth, Ron arched his body into the touch. Right when he was wishing he could magically will his clothes away with his mind, he felt Smith's hand fumble with his trouser fastenings and join Seamus' on his cock.

Seamus pulled his mouth away from Ron's and leaned over to whisper something in Smith's ear. Grinning wickedly, Smith dropped to his knees and took Ron's entire length into his mouth. 

Ron tossed his head back and moaned loudly, his knees threatening to give out on him. Smith had his arse cheeks clutched in both hands, sucking his cock with wild abandon. Ron squinted his eyes open in time to see Seamus settling behind Smith, pointing his wand at his arse.

" _Lubricatus_ ," he said quietly.

Smith groaned around Ron's cock as the lubrication covered his entrance, quickening his pace even more when Seamus began preparing him with his fingers.

"Such a good little toy," Seamus said, panting, as he probed Smith with one hand and stroked his own cock with the other. 

"Oh, _fuck_ ," hissed Ron. Smith was in full deep-throat mode now, his motions more persistent due to Seamus' ministrations inside him. 

"Fuck, fuck _fuck_ ," agreed Seamus as he replaced his fingers with his cock. He gripped onto Smith's hips and began moving, every thrust causing Smith to engulf Ron's cock deeper into his mouth.

Ron tangled his hands into Smith's wispy blonde hair and tried to match Seamus' rhythm. Grunts and groans filled the room in three-way harmony as Seamus reached his hand around to fist Smith's cock. Smith came immediately, spilling himself onto the floor, and Seamus followed with a final thrust and a loud wail.

Seamus collapsed on top of Smith's back, but Smith shrugged him off as he let Ron's cock fall out of his mouth and pulled him down to the floor. Laying him on his back, Smith crawled up the length of his body and impaled himself onto Ron's cock, crushing their mouths together. 

Ron didn't have time to think, let alone act as he tasted his precome on Smith's tongue and felt his cock being forcefully pushed in and out of Smith's arse. Despite Seamus having just had a go, Smith was still tighter than any girl Ron had ever been with. He moaned into Smith's mouth as he felt his orgasm rapidly approaching.

He came hard, digging his fingers into Smith's back as Smith sucked on his tongue. Ron was glad he was already on his back, because he had lost all possible control of his limbs and was comfortably numb.

Smith energetically leapt to his feet and began getting dressed as though he hadn't just been buggered by two other boys. Seamus straightened up into a sitting position and struggled to pull up his trousers, looking completely worn out and satisfied.

"Well, I believe we've made our point," Seamus said haughtily, his breath slightly jagged. 

"Yes, yes," said Smith mockingly as he gathered his Quidditch gear and headed for the door. "Your 'tasteless shenanigans' are definitely better than mine. Enjoy second place, boys."

_Fin_


End file.
